Indeed I do not.

Okay seriously that's the last one.
I need to be asleep but I took a nap earlier. But in all honesty I could've gone to bed at like 10 and been completely fine and able. Whatever. You can lay on your back when you're dead right? Or something cliche?
Mum's doing better. In rehab, daaaaaaaaaaaay by day man. Slow glimpses of improvement are what we hold on to and they manifest daily. They think she had a stroke either during or after surgery (they can't tell for sure because they can't do an MRI or her pacer would come shooting out of her chest and rip out everything in the process). So coupled with the seizures due to NECESSARY medication withdrawal is a setback that nobody was expecting.
And it's exhausting.
But she knew that today was Saturday, and ate some of my strawberries and a little bit of chocolate cake.
Day by day.

It's amazing how destructive your mind can be. Your state of being. Every thought that filters through your head has a direct impact on your emotions and actions whether you realize it or not. And like most machines, filters need to be cleaned out or replaced every now and then for optimal performance. And I don't think mind has ever been changed. Or even possible.
I get so up and down,
positive and negative
happy and rock bottom
carefree and oppressed.
It's to the point now where I'd rather be able to sleep for a few years while it all passes.
Just because I have an appreciation for life and all that I have, doesn't mean that it's easy for me.
For anyone.

Eeyore's drive me insane. The ones whose sorrow leaks out of them like black rancid fumes from a forgotten closet, inevitably filling your nostrils and pores and clothes to the point where you can't separate their sorrow from your own.
So I try to be positive, and look on the "bright side of things".
But it's so damn hard.
SO. Effing. HARD.
It's so easy to get down when you can hear yourself all day. The thoughts that repeat themselves, the mentality that hasn't changed for 25 years. I've cried more this year than I have probably since high school. My nose is constantly raw. And my head always aches. And my sinuses burn like I've gotten chlorinated water up there. And my appetite is ridiculous. So I need to go back to the gym. But only if it isn't hot outside.

I don't know what the change needs to be. I sometimes wish I could go back to how things were when I was a kid. Young, uninformed, simple. But then I wouldn't have what I have today.
I wouldn't be me because I wouldn't have Scott. He was able to coax out the free and voracious side of me that never dared to come out. High school was like suffocating for me.

Ugh. Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I'm sure I'll think of something enlightening tomorrow and share it.
For now, enjoy the cartoons. Because they bring back how slow and wonderful things used to be.
But at least I have now.
And Scott.
And family.


1 comment:

Nicole said...

I love chip n dale. I am totally showing this to my kids when they get done with their homework :)