So pretty much it's been two months-ish since my last post and pretty much nothing huge has happened. I got a job in July upstairs in the Sleep Lab and totally love it. I miss everybody I worked with in the ER but as far as my overall well being is doing it's marginally better. I'm still adjusting to the hours (8 to 4:30) and when you don't have kids waking up in the morning isn't the easiest thing to do when you've been used to going to bed at 12 and later for the past 3 or so years. So I'm pretty tired most of the time and that usually plays in to my mood. I'm great throughout the day but when I get home it's like I walk in to this sort of haze and wait until I can go to sleep to do the same thing the next day. I just feel like I've been in this sort of holding pattern for a while, and don't get me wrong, I love getting comfortable and absolutely detest change but I don't really feel like I've made any personal progression for at least a year or so. This is such a weird age for me and I don't really know how to take things anymore. I just turned 24 on August 29th and have been pretty numb to everything. I'm sure that it's just a temporary phase but apathy can only last so long before it starts to eat away your heart and soul. I've been pretty angry lately too and have caught myself multiple times shaming myself for things that I think about people when in reality, EVERYBODY deserves the benefit of the doubt. It's so natural to judge off of first impression but I think that the more advanced society gets the easier it is to take things one step further in our heads and immediately label people based off of what we see and assume. Communication is so much faster now and easier than ever. Face to face conversation still occurs but with texting and emails and crap like this it makes it that much easier to withdraw and rely on our own impressions for judgement and further assumptions. I have absolutely no idea where this is going.
So other than getting a new job, and feeling pretty lost in the scheme of things, my heart is still beating, my mind is still whirring, and my body keeps marching (not necessarily forward), and for now that will have to do.
Until later.
Love
syd.
7/14/10
What the hell happened to spring?
So there's no real excuse as to why I haven't been posting. At all. I'd say "lately" but I haven't posted for a couple months. And it's mostly because I don't want to emotionally invest the time. It's way selfish but my justification is that I have to live THROUGH the moment and pass it on, so why RELIVE it and gut it open anew and do a little play by play? And it's not like I have to post the really emotional stuff, I could just prattle on about how today at work a mama duck almost lost one of her babies. But I really like to reflect at the end of the day, and I rarely say how I REALLY really feel to most people, and it's a mental chore for me to explain things to people or give a play by play to someone who wasn't there. I don't even know if this is making sense, and it probably sounds totally ridiculous but there it is. I don't even write in a journal anymore. I've become so impatient and such a product of my surroundings that I get shoveled in to the stream of things and never leave time for myself. Time for myself doesn't include vegging out after work and reading or playing Harry Potter Lego (which I've already beaten). I think we owe it to ourselves to devote a small or doable amount of time geared towards US as an individual. I think blogging or journaling can be really therapeutic and can help point out the other side of the story if you were hell bent on the destruction of one person and didn't give a wink of thought to how the other side might be seeing things.
I always worry a lot about how people will perceive me. Part of me wants to not even give a shit but the other part is on constant paranoia stand-by. You know how there are people that you're around a lot (say a coworker),and they come walking over and you internalize the groan that is ripping at your throat while you think "UGH. I can't STAND her". So then paranoid me things -okay, what if when my peppy face shows up, and someone does a mental cringe, or it puts a little dent in their already okay day? I'm all for individuality and uniqueness but at the same time respecting others for THEIR perception of individuality (like the lady that was frothing at the mouth while on the phone with some other frothy lady, talking about these $1,500 purses that she HAD to buy [while I thought holy shit lady get a hobby]) is needed and I don't do it often enough. So basically don't judge people is what I'm getting at. IDK.
I started a new job this Monday and I absolutely LURVE it. I truly miss everybody I worked with but the Sleep Lab is such a smaller scale and sooo much healthier both physically and mentally (I work 8am to 430 rather than noon to midnight). Yeah I won't be able to go to school, but Scott's only got 2 semesters left and I might not get half tuition since my dad retired (waaaaaaa)sooo yehls. I'll pop out a night class just for my GPA's sake. RIP.
ANYWAY. I feel like whenever I get on here I just totally whine. But I guess I feel like I can just throw it out into the wondrous web of online data banks and let it sift through the 0's and the 1's and settle. Just to get it off my chest. My mental chest. I just pictured my brain with boobs.
Okay I gotta go to bed. I've been up since 6:30 (which is NUTS for me because I didn't usually surface before 1030 (or 12 or later on my days off). Now I know why my parents were always resting their eyes. Teehee.
Love,
Unconditionally,
syd.
scorchito.
I always worry a lot about how people will perceive me. Part of me wants to not even give a shit but the other part is on constant paranoia stand-by. You know how there are people that you're around a lot (say a coworker),and they come walking over and you internalize the groan that is ripping at your throat while you think "UGH. I can't STAND her". So then paranoid me things -okay, what if when my peppy face shows up, and someone does a mental cringe, or it puts a little dent in their already okay day? I'm all for individuality and uniqueness but at the same time respecting others for THEIR perception of individuality (like the lady that was frothing at the mouth while on the phone with some other frothy lady, talking about these $1,500 purses that she HAD to buy [while I thought holy shit lady get a hobby]) is needed and I don't do it often enough. So basically don't judge people is what I'm getting at. IDK.
I started a new job this Monday and I absolutely LURVE it. I truly miss everybody I worked with but the Sleep Lab is such a smaller scale and sooo much healthier both physically and mentally (I work 8am to 430 rather than noon to midnight). Yeah I won't be able to go to school, but Scott's only got 2 semesters left and I might not get half tuition since my dad retired (waaaaaaa)sooo yehls. I'll pop out a night class just for my GPA's sake. RIP.
ANYWAY. I feel like whenever I get on here I just totally whine. But I guess I feel like I can just throw it out into the wondrous web of online data banks and let it sift through the 0's and the 1's and settle. Just to get it off my chest. My mental chest. I just pictured my brain with boobs.
Okay I gotta go to bed. I've been up since 6:30 (which is NUTS for me because I didn't usually surface before 1030 (or 12 or later on my days off). Now I know why my parents were always resting their eyes. Teehee.
Love,
Unconditionally,
syd.
scorchito.
4/27/10
Hmph.
Not wanting to say much but I'll say some anyway. I had a dream this morning that I was late for a final and couldn't get work off in time to be able to take it. I woke up shaking. How horrible is school? It OWNS you. It BECOMES you. It eats you alive and has it's metal tentacles gripping your brains 24/7 365.
I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.
I had a drunk guy call in tonight who talked to me for 29 minutes and was calling me Syd by the end of the conversation. You could tell that he hadn't talked to someone for a while.
Okay seriously. Time for bed. I think the guy downstairs is awake and that isn't good for anybody.
Loves.
Syd.
I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.
I had a drunk guy call in tonight who talked to me for 29 minutes and was calling me Syd by the end of the conversation. You could tell that he hadn't talked to someone for a while.
Okay seriously. Time for bed. I think the guy downstairs is awake and that isn't good for anybody.
Loves.
Syd.
11/29/09
Oscillating.
So scary to think of how things could be. Wave after wave of nausea sets in when I think of the endless possibilities of how things could have been. I count my blessings every day and thank God for everything I've been given. I've always been lucky, nothing over the top, but not skimming the bottom. Just lucky. Blessed. Oppression helps build us up to become who we were meant to be all along. Stepping stones. Small in the giant picture. It takes multiple pieces to tell a great story.
I can't believe November is already over. It's so scary how fast time goes by. Kids have an unfair advantage. Yeah, ignorance is bliss, but shit man, life was so good when I was a kid. I had the perfect childhood. No worries, nothing to fear, wonderful parents, an array of siblings, great friends. No stress, just play, home made bread, tomato soup and grilled cheese when we'd come inside from the freezing cold. Plowed over by my mum when we played spill the beans one winter. Fall after fall on the gravel at Polk. Sticky with sweat from just being outside.
It's insane how things can change. Reminiscing is almost painful. But then I think about how things are right now and I wouldn't have life any other way. I'd rather have raw emotions and truth right up front than being kept in the dark and hidden from how things really are. Sometimes I wish I had enough love for everybody who thinks they aren't loved. Sometimes I feel like I have enough love for every kid in the world. Sometimes I can barely love myself. But I always have an immense supply of love for Scott. A giant grain silo filled to the top with ridiculous sappy romantic childish innocent real honest love for Scott. So when these emotions build up like crazy, I just pull out some more silos and fill them and store those for a later, more appropriate time. Because we all know how good it feels to throw up a string of expletives and tap in to those stored emotions of full on anger and just empty it out in one blow. Sure it might be a little messy after, but it just ends up blowing away with time anyway. Everything gets blown away in time, so say what you mean, do it now. If you don't, your silos will rot with old emotions and feelings and there will be no room for the new ones. You have to experience the bad to appreciate the wonderful. Raw. Don't hide yourself, it'll just hurt more when you have to face the real thing.
One more week and I never have to attend another physics class for the rest of eternity. Yeeeeeeeee!!!!!
Love always,
El Scorcho.
I can't believe November is already over. It's so scary how fast time goes by. Kids have an unfair advantage. Yeah, ignorance is bliss, but shit man, life was so good when I was a kid. I had the perfect childhood. No worries, nothing to fear, wonderful parents, an array of siblings, great friends. No stress, just play, home made bread, tomato soup and grilled cheese when we'd come inside from the freezing cold. Plowed over by my mum when we played spill the beans one winter. Fall after fall on the gravel at Polk. Sticky with sweat from just being outside.
It's insane how things can change. Reminiscing is almost painful. But then I think about how things are right now and I wouldn't have life any other way. I'd rather have raw emotions and truth right up front than being kept in the dark and hidden from how things really are. Sometimes I wish I had enough love for everybody who thinks they aren't loved. Sometimes I feel like I have enough love for every kid in the world. Sometimes I can barely love myself. But I always have an immense supply of love for Scott. A giant grain silo filled to the top with ridiculous sappy romantic childish innocent real honest love for Scott. So when these emotions build up like crazy, I just pull out some more silos and fill them and store those for a later, more appropriate time. Because we all know how good it feels to throw up a string of expletives and tap in to those stored emotions of full on anger and just empty it out in one blow. Sure it might be a little messy after, but it just ends up blowing away with time anyway. Everything gets blown away in time, so say what you mean, do it now. If you don't, your silos will rot with old emotions and feelings and there will be no room for the new ones. You have to experience the bad to appreciate the wonderful. Raw. Don't hide yourself, it'll just hurt more when you have to face the real thing.
One more week and I never have to attend another physics class for the rest of eternity. Yeeeeeeeee!!!!!
Love always,
El Scorcho.
11/10/09
Mullllllllllll it over
(inhale)
There are so many things in life that I don't understand. So many things that need to be said. So many feelings that are felt but rarely expressed. So much confusion for such a short period of time (in the grand scheme of things). SO MUCH that I want to express but am too selfish to take the time (TIME, of all things) to throw it all out like some kind of sheep or goat, randomly bleating their sorrows or amusement in time with their hearts, constantly one-upping each other. Like the last clapper. Every audience has one. Somebody who wants to prove something. Somebody who wants to let EVERYONE there know, "HEY. I am determined as HELL to be the last clapper. So let the dwindling begin."
So I just went and washed my face and lost all train of thought, even though while I was washing I was spouting out sentences in my head of stuff that I want to put down, but oh well. It'll keep circulating and come back out to the surface in a few months.
I haven't WRITTEN DOWN my thoughts for a while. I don't know if it's because reflecting makes me depressed? Or leaves me with a sense of emptiness? Or sometimes maybe I'm just too embarrassed to put down everything that's floating around in my head. Which is a LOT of stuff.
I was thinking earlier how shitty it is that we have to kind of censor ourselves. And I'm not saying we should all be insanely profane and sound like we have pig shit running out of our mouths but I've come to the realization that no matter WHAT you say, ANYTHING you have to say, you'll offend SOMEONE. Regardless of what you say, I could say that I hate marigolds and I think they should be exterminated and never grown again and some lady over in Iran might make her living off of selling marigold wreaths (heaven forbid), and be WAY upset with that. I'm not saying that we should have a direct microphone hooked up to our thoughts but shit man, it's in our head, and we think it and if we think it more than once and dwell on it then we usually MEAN it, so why not say it?
AGAIN. I'm not saying you need to full out say every single nasty awful horrible degrading ignorant racist judgmental thought that you have. I just think that it's unfortunate that I can't publicly say how much I hate my job without having to look over my shoulder and make sure that certain people don't see it. BUT IT'S TRUE. My job is like wind-surfing over a black hole, or like laying on your stomach with your blood rushing thru your ears right at the threshold of hell. I feel completely useless sometimes, and unappreciated. I know, I know, you're probably barking out that every job has it's ups and downs, but for right now, I'D like to vent things that have been festering and molding around my heart for the last two years. It's a total double edged sword. I absolutely love the people I work with (again, like most jobs. I know this) but I don't know if it's just the environment or the people taking advantage of the health care system (our customers) or just the fact that it's an ER. And I'm sure if some people read this they'd say "Well just deal with it because that's how ER's are all over the country", I'd say "Please shut the hell up", because I don't have these thoughts and these feelings to be told that I'm just like everyone else. I don't cry my eyes out while I'm driving home to be told that everybody else goes through it like I do. EVERYBODY experiences Life on an INDIVIDUAL level. Sure we're all going through it, but we have absolutely NO IDEA what on earth is going thru each individual's convoluted thoughts at any given time. We'll never know, because it's physically impossible to write down every single thought you have (which is like 10 thoughts per 1/10th of a second or some ridiculous statistic that I would love to know how they figured out). And this isn't all just about my job. It's about EVERYTHING. I KNOW everybody experiences life. I know everybody goes through shit. We mostly voice our problems because we want consolation, and have this internal need to be reassured that it's O.K., and that they know what we're talking about. Some people deal with more shit than others, and voice their problems more than others, and then we immediately label that person as a complainer, or a whiner. Problems are much easier to voice than just regular old thoughts. We go to therapy to be reassured and get an outside opinion and an outside hand to help us back up and square our shoulders for us so we can face life. There are some things that you can't just tell people to deal with. You can't just roll your eyes at someone when they say "Oh we just got like 5 different medical bills in the mail and my car broke down and my kid just dropped out of school" because you have NO IDEA what they are going through, because again, we're experiencing it at an individual level. We'll never know what other people's lives are like, because we're too busy living ours. And I'm not saying we need to just throw down our shields and rush out to help people, because we'll be plowed over in the process. I'm not even sure what the hell I'm trying to say, or if I'm trying to prove some sort of point. I just think that we need to constantly remind ourselves that everybody is different. Everybody has their own past. Everybody lived yesterday just like you did, only maybe their dog died (RIP Norm), or maybe their aunt just had a double mastectomy, or maybe their best friend is going through a divorce and just lost their house. Hopefully not everything happens to ONE person all at once (although it seems like that happens more often than not).
I just want to give everybody a chance to have a voice. THEIR voice. I don't know if I'm crying because I believe in it so much or if I'm just tired as hell and have to get up in 5 hours. Maybe it's the caffeine. IDK. I guess I just want everyone I come in contact with to not hold back or not say something in fear of me rolling my eyes or just rushing them on their way. You never know what someone's breaking point could be. They might need to just get one thing off their chest, or have one completely, ABSOLUTELY pointless conversation to make their life a little better (like the kids behind me in physics today talking about who the hell knows what and making me so angry that my fists were clenched because I couldn't hear the teacher [my fault for sitting near the back I guess]).
A lot of this has to do with Time too. I don't know WHAT the deal is, but I swear it conspires against us. It knows when we're having a good time, and slips by illegally and is jealous because it can't have a good time (ha, pun), and then when we're studying every day like a good student 3 hours turns in to 8, or a 12 hour shift turns in to 17. And then when I sit down to read, or write, it's all the sudden 135 in the morning and daylight has never come quicker.
Okay well this is extremely long winded and I'm sorry if anybody disagrees with this. But please, seriously, don't judge, and give people time to show themselves, and build relationships (however pointless they may be), because to that ONE person, you could be the reason they enjoy their job, or that one thing that you say that you've been itching to but it isn't really appropriate might offend 5 people, but could make 1 persons day. Those 5 people will get over it. Time does a good job at making us forget why we were mad, or what someone said to offend us.
Now just get over yourself and tell everyone else to shut the hell up and say whatever the shit you want to say.
Love,
(exhale)
El Scorcho.
There are so many things in life that I don't understand. So many things that need to be said. So many feelings that are felt but rarely expressed. So much confusion for such a short period of time (in the grand scheme of things). SO MUCH that I want to express but am too selfish to take the time (TIME, of all things) to throw it all out like some kind of sheep or goat, randomly bleating their sorrows or amusement in time with their hearts, constantly one-upping each other. Like the last clapper. Every audience has one. Somebody who wants to prove something. Somebody who wants to let EVERYONE there know, "HEY. I am determined as HELL to be the last clapper. So let the dwindling begin."
So I just went and washed my face and lost all train of thought, even though while I was washing I was spouting out sentences in my head of stuff that I want to put down, but oh well. It'll keep circulating and come back out to the surface in a few months.
I haven't WRITTEN DOWN my thoughts for a while. I don't know if it's because reflecting makes me depressed? Or leaves me with a sense of emptiness? Or sometimes maybe I'm just too embarrassed to put down everything that's floating around in my head. Which is a LOT of stuff.
I was thinking earlier how shitty it is that we have to kind of censor ourselves. And I'm not saying we should all be insanely profane and sound like we have pig shit running out of our mouths but I've come to the realization that no matter WHAT you say, ANYTHING you have to say, you'll offend SOMEONE. Regardless of what you say, I could say that I hate marigolds and I think they should be exterminated and never grown again and some lady over in Iran might make her living off of selling marigold wreaths (heaven forbid), and be WAY upset with that. I'm not saying that we should have a direct microphone hooked up to our thoughts but shit man, it's in our head, and we think it and if we think it more than once and dwell on it then we usually MEAN it, so why not say it?
AGAIN. I'm not saying you need to full out say every single nasty awful horrible degrading ignorant racist judgmental thought that you have. I just think that it's unfortunate that I can't publicly say how much I hate my job without having to look over my shoulder and make sure that certain people don't see it. BUT IT'S TRUE. My job is like wind-surfing over a black hole, or like laying on your stomach with your blood rushing thru your ears right at the threshold of hell. I feel completely useless sometimes, and unappreciated. I know, I know, you're probably barking out that every job has it's ups and downs, but for right now, I'D like to vent things that have been festering and molding around my heart for the last two years. It's a total double edged sword. I absolutely love the people I work with (again, like most jobs. I know this) but I don't know if it's just the environment or the people taking advantage of the health care system (our customers) or just the fact that it's an ER. And I'm sure if some people read this they'd say "Well just deal with it because that's how ER's are all over the country", I'd say "Please shut the hell up", because I don't have these thoughts and these feelings to be told that I'm just like everyone else. I don't cry my eyes out while I'm driving home to be told that everybody else goes through it like I do. EVERYBODY experiences Life on an INDIVIDUAL level. Sure we're all going through it, but we have absolutely NO IDEA what on earth is going thru each individual's convoluted thoughts at any given time. We'll never know, because it's physically impossible to write down every single thought you have (which is like 10 thoughts per 1/10th of a second or some ridiculous statistic that I would love to know how they figured out). And this isn't all just about my job. It's about EVERYTHING. I KNOW everybody experiences life. I know everybody goes through shit. We mostly voice our problems because we want consolation, and have this internal need to be reassured that it's O.K., and that they know what we're talking about. Some people deal with more shit than others, and voice their problems more than others, and then we immediately label that person as a complainer, or a whiner. Problems are much easier to voice than just regular old thoughts. We go to therapy to be reassured and get an outside opinion and an outside hand to help us back up and square our shoulders for us so we can face life. There are some things that you can't just tell people to deal with. You can't just roll your eyes at someone when they say "Oh we just got like 5 different medical bills in the mail and my car broke down and my kid just dropped out of school" because you have NO IDEA what they are going through, because again, we're experiencing it at an individual level. We'll never know what other people's lives are like, because we're too busy living ours. And I'm not saying we need to just throw down our shields and rush out to help people, because we'll be plowed over in the process. I'm not even sure what the hell I'm trying to say, or if I'm trying to prove some sort of point. I just think that we need to constantly remind ourselves that everybody is different. Everybody has their own past. Everybody lived yesterday just like you did, only maybe their dog died (RIP Norm), or maybe their aunt just had a double mastectomy, or maybe their best friend is going through a divorce and just lost their house. Hopefully not everything happens to ONE person all at once (although it seems like that happens more often than not).
I just want to give everybody a chance to have a voice. THEIR voice. I don't know if I'm crying because I believe in it so much or if I'm just tired as hell and have to get up in 5 hours. Maybe it's the caffeine. IDK. I guess I just want everyone I come in contact with to not hold back or not say something in fear of me rolling my eyes or just rushing them on their way. You never know what someone's breaking point could be. They might need to just get one thing off their chest, or have one completely, ABSOLUTELY pointless conversation to make their life a little better (like the kids behind me in physics today talking about who the hell knows what and making me so angry that my fists were clenched because I couldn't hear the teacher [my fault for sitting near the back I guess]).
A lot of this has to do with Time too. I don't know WHAT the deal is, but I swear it conspires against us. It knows when we're having a good time, and slips by illegally and is jealous because it can't have a good time (ha, pun), and then when we're studying every day like a good student 3 hours turns in to 8, or a 12 hour shift turns in to 17. And then when I sit down to read, or write, it's all the sudden 135 in the morning and daylight has never come quicker.
Okay well this is extremely long winded and I'm sorry if anybody disagrees with this. But please, seriously, don't judge, and give people time to show themselves, and build relationships (however pointless they may be), because to that ONE person, you could be the reason they enjoy their job, or that one thing that you say that you've been itching to but it isn't really appropriate might offend 5 people, but could make 1 persons day. Those 5 people will get over it. Time does a good job at making us forget why we were mad, or what someone said to offend us.
Now just get over yourself and tell everyone else to shut the hell up and say whatever the shit you want to say.
Love,
(exhale)
El Scorcho.
10/27/09
Snow sucks.
I seriously hate waking up to frosted roads. I don't think there's anything quite as terrifying as driving in snow. Not only do I suck at it, but it's like the car KNOWS, and it takes advantage of it's ability to mess around and slide into curbs and stuff. So now I'll be super paranoid all day at work and then I'll be driving home going 40 on I-15 and hit a patch of ice and my car will go flying off the road.
Scott has had this obsession lately with doing anything and everything in his power to prove me wrong. For example, I typed this:
5 out of every 10 computers in the WSU computer lab has facebook up.
And his reply was to pop his freaking head up like a prairie dog and START COUNTING THE DAMN COMPUTERS. And earlier, (on facebook, hahaha) I typed that I wanted to obliterate all the clouds with a giant space heater and he said:
"That would only make more clouds."
GAAAAHHH!!!!
Once again, I must say that I absolutely detest typing ANYTHING while here in the computer lab with the Mac screen that's as wide as my arm is long. It's like everybody behind me can see what I'm typing, even though I'm in the back row. And I totally want to talk about how the girl next to me is coughing like crazy all over the keyboard and it's grossing me the freak out. I keep sliding over next to Scott. So now I'm typing with the page half concealed so she can't see.
Okay, time to go do crap for physics. Which is the worst class, IN THE WORLD. And I think that's one thing that Scott will actually agree with me on. Probably not though, he'd be like:
"No, I really enjoyed conceptual physics."
And then I'd be like:
Loves,
El Scorcho.
9/18/09
Don't sleep on your left side.
Okay guys so I'm sorry it's been a rediculously long time since I've posted. Like two months ago. It sucks how fast time goes when there are things you WANT and NEED to do and then when you're sitting at work wishing it would be over, time couldn't possibly go slower. Guhhhhhhhhh.
So a few days ago I started taking these "supplement" like things (vitamins and what not) that said it creates more collagen to stimulate hair growth (which I am DESPERATE for). So I was all excited and started taking two a day on monday, and the next morning my heart was having PVC's (extra beats) every so often, like one every 10 minutes or so. PVC's are normal, and I usually get them like once or twice every couple weeks but that morning I had like 8 just while I was laying in bed. And if you've ever had them they're uncomfortable as hell and it feels like a rabid bird is trying to get out of your chest, and it's wings are beating the crap out of your heart. Or better yet, it's like your HEART has wings and is trying to launch out of your chest. But it only does one feeble flap of the wings. If it did multiple for like 30 minutes then that's another story.
So yeah ANYWAY, I go to work that day and sho nuff, they keep happening. Super uncomfortable and starting to freak me out a bit. Thankfully I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday (yesterday) with my doctor to follow up on how wonderful my welbutrin is, so I thought okay I'll just tell him what's been going on. So wednesday night comes along (I had only taken two pills on monday, and two on tuesday when the wackness started) and my heart was doing it more and more often. To the point that I got up and walked around just to distract myself from the raptor trying to fly and claw it's way out of my chest. On my drive home that night I was trying to think back to when it started....and what the hell could possibly be going on. Thankfully I have some memory retention and thought a-HA! I started taking those stupid supplements on MONDAY, and the summersaulting heart tricks started happening TUESDAY! So then I started wondering if there was any magnesium in the pills, because the week before I was talking to a nurse about this way sick alcoholic lady whose heart was on the fritz and she said that her heart was unable to deal with the ammounts of MAGNESIUM and potassium from the alcohol so it causes a weird rhythm (totally random that she'd mention that but I ask questions and this one time it came in use). SO. I present said question to Bryan (my doc) and he said "Oh yeah, too much or too little magnesium can push the heart either way." DING DING DING. So they did an EKG and put little stickers with magnetic or whatever leads all over my body and it showed that my heart likes to lay on her left side and is turned more to the left than normal (Thanks a lot Mom!), explaining why it feels like my heart is dangling freely in my chest when I lay on my left side. But he said it was normal, so whatevs. Stupid hearts.
So he said I could lay off the pills for a week, and then start them up again next week to see if they're the cause of the pvc's and I was like uh, NO THANKS, I'll just let my hair grow normally. Freakin hell. So I'm just going to stick with my original assumption that it was the supplement's fault cause I ain't had not a one today. Wooooo! So when you see all of those green bottles with yellow labels that make you think "man I'll be super healthy if I take some of that stuff", STAY AWAY FROM HAIR, SKIN, AND NAILS. Cause it'll make you feel like you have a midget punching it's way thru your chest.
And I just read thru this and I apologize if it makes absolutely no sense because I just type the sentence that's in my head, and we all know how I looooooove long sentences, but so did Faulkner. So back off.
Loves,
with my west-facing heart,
El Scorcho.
So a few days ago I started taking these "supplement" like things (vitamins and what not) that said it creates more collagen to stimulate hair growth (which I am DESPERATE for). So I was all excited and started taking two a day on monday, and the next morning my heart was having PVC's (extra beats) every so often, like one every 10 minutes or so. PVC's are normal, and I usually get them like once or twice every couple weeks but that morning I had like 8 just while I was laying in bed. And if you've ever had them they're uncomfortable as hell and it feels like a rabid bird is trying to get out of your chest, and it's wings are beating the crap out of your heart. Or better yet, it's like your HEART has wings and is trying to launch out of your chest. But it only does one feeble flap of the wings. If it did multiple for like 30 minutes then that's another story.
So yeah ANYWAY, I go to work that day and sho nuff, they keep happening. Super uncomfortable and starting to freak me out a bit. Thankfully I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday (yesterday) with my doctor to follow up on how wonderful my welbutrin is, so I thought okay I'll just tell him what's been going on. So wednesday night comes along (I had only taken two pills on monday, and two on tuesday when the wackness started) and my heart was doing it more and more often. To the point that I got up and walked around just to distract myself from the raptor trying to fly and claw it's way out of my chest. On my drive home that night I was trying to think back to when it started....and what the hell could possibly be going on. Thankfully I have some memory retention and thought a-HA! I started taking those stupid supplements on MONDAY, and the summersaulting heart tricks started happening TUESDAY! So then I started wondering if there was any magnesium in the pills, because the week before I was talking to a nurse about this way sick alcoholic lady whose heart was on the fritz and she said that her heart was unable to deal with the ammounts of MAGNESIUM and potassium from the alcohol so it causes a weird rhythm (totally random that she'd mention that but I ask questions and this one time it came in use). SO. I present said question to Bryan (my doc) and he said "Oh yeah, too much or too little magnesium can push the heart either way." DING DING DING. So they did an EKG and put little stickers with magnetic or whatever leads all over my body and it showed that my heart likes to lay on her left side and is turned more to the left than normal (Thanks a lot Mom!), explaining why it feels like my heart is dangling freely in my chest when I lay on my left side. But he said it was normal, so whatevs. Stupid hearts.
So he said I could lay off the pills for a week, and then start them up again next week to see if they're the cause of the pvc's and I was like uh, NO THANKS, I'll just let my hair grow normally. Freakin hell. So I'm just going to stick with my original assumption that it was the supplement's fault cause I ain't had not a one today. Wooooo! So when you see all of those green bottles with yellow labels that make you think "man I'll be super healthy if I take some of that stuff", STAY AWAY FROM HAIR, SKIN, AND NAILS. Cause it'll make you feel like you have a midget punching it's way thru your chest.
And I just read thru this and I apologize if it makes absolutely no sense because I just type the sentence that's in my head, and we all know how I looooooove long sentences, but so did Faulkner. So back off.
Loves,
with my west-facing heart,
El Scorcho.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)