So there's no real excuse as to why I haven't been posting. At all. I'd say "lately" but I haven't posted for a couple months. And it's mostly because I don't want to emotionally invest the time. It's way selfish but my justification is that I have to live THROUGH the moment and pass it on, so why RELIVE it and gut it open anew and do a little play by play? And it's not like I have to post the really emotional stuff, I could just prattle on about how today at work a mama duck almost lost one of her babies. But I really like to reflect at the end of the day, and I rarely say how I REALLY really feel to most people, and it's a mental chore for me to explain things to people or give a play by play to someone who wasn't there. I don't even know if this is making sense, and it probably sounds totally ridiculous but there it is. I don't even write in a journal anymore. I've become so impatient and such a product of my surroundings that I get shoveled in to the stream of things and never leave time for myself. Time for myself doesn't include vegging out after work and reading or playing Harry Potter Lego (which I've already beaten). I think we owe it to ourselves to devote a small or doable amount of time geared towards US as an individual. I think blogging or journaling can be really therapeutic and can help point out the other side of the story if you were hell bent on the destruction of one person and didn't give a wink of thought to how the other side might be seeing things.
I always worry a lot about how people will perceive me. Part of me wants to not even give a shit but the other part is on constant paranoia stand-by. You know how there are people that you're around a lot (say a coworker),and they come walking over and you internalize the groan that is ripping at your throat while you think "UGH. I can't STAND her". So then paranoid me things -okay, what if when my peppy face shows up, and someone does a mental cringe, or it puts a little dent in their already okay day? I'm all for individuality and uniqueness but at the same time respecting others for THEIR perception of individuality (like the lady that was frothing at the mouth while on the phone with some other frothy lady, talking about these $1,500 purses that she HAD to buy [while I thought holy shit lady get a hobby]) is needed and I don't do it often enough. So basically don't judge people is what I'm getting at. IDK.
I started a new job this Monday and I absolutely LURVE it. I truly miss everybody I worked with but the Sleep Lab is such a smaller scale and sooo much healthier both physically and mentally (I work 8am to 430 rather than noon to midnight). Yeah I won't be able to go to school, but Scott's only got 2 semesters left and I might not get half tuition since my dad retired (waaaaaaa)sooo yehls. I'll pop out a night class just for my GPA's sake. RIP.
ANYWAY. I feel like whenever I get on here I just totally whine. But I guess I feel like I can just throw it out into the wondrous web of online data banks and let it sift through the 0's and the 1's and settle. Just to get it off my chest. My mental chest. I just pictured my brain with boobs.
Okay I gotta go to bed. I've been up since 6:30 (which is NUTS for me because I didn't usually surface before 1030 (or 12 or later on my days off). Now I know why my parents were always resting their eyes. Teehee.
Love,
Unconditionally,
syd.
scorchito.
