So pretty much it's been two months-ish since my last post and pretty much nothing huge has happened. I got a job in July upstairs in the Sleep Lab and totally love it. I miss everybody I worked with in the ER but as far as my overall well being is doing it's marginally better. I'm still adjusting to the hours (8 to 4:30) and when you don't have kids waking up in the morning isn't the easiest thing to do when you've been used to going to bed at 12 and later for the past 3 or so years. So I'm pretty tired most of the time and that usually plays in to my mood. I'm great throughout the day but when I get home it's like I walk in to this sort of haze and wait until I can go to sleep to do the same thing the next day. I just feel like I've been in this sort of holding pattern for a while, and don't get me wrong, I love getting comfortable and absolutely detest change but I don't really feel like I've made any personal progression for at least a year or so. This is such a weird age for me and I don't really know how to take things anymore. I just turned 24 on August 29th and have been pretty numb to everything. I'm sure that it's just a temporary phase but apathy can only last so long before it starts to eat away your heart and soul. I've been pretty angry lately too and have caught myself multiple times shaming myself for things that I think about people when in reality, EVERYBODY deserves the benefit of the doubt. It's so natural to judge off of first impression but I think that the more advanced society gets the easier it is to take things one step further in our heads and immediately label people based off of what we see and assume. Communication is so much faster now and easier than ever. Face to face conversation still occurs but with texting and emails and crap like this it makes it that much easier to withdraw and rely on our own impressions for judgement and further assumptions. I have absolutely no idea where this is going.
So other than getting a new job, and feeling pretty lost in the scheme of things, my heart is still beating, my mind is still whirring, and my body keeps marching (not necessarily forward), and for now that will have to do.
Until later.
Love
syd.
7/14/10
What the hell happened to spring?
So there's no real excuse as to why I haven't been posting. At all. I'd say "lately" but I haven't posted for a couple months. And it's mostly because I don't want to emotionally invest the time. It's way selfish but my justification is that I have to live THROUGH the moment and pass it on, so why RELIVE it and gut it open anew and do a little play by play? And it's not like I have to post the really emotional stuff, I could just prattle on about how today at work a mama duck almost lost one of her babies. But I really like to reflect at the end of the day, and I rarely say how I REALLY really feel to most people, and it's a mental chore for me to explain things to people or give a play by play to someone who wasn't there. I don't even know if this is making sense, and it probably sounds totally ridiculous but there it is. I don't even write in a journal anymore. I've become so impatient and such a product of my surroundings that I get shoveled in to the stream of things and never leave time for myself. Time for myself doesn't include vegging out after work and reading or playing Harry Potter Lego (which I've already beaten). I think we owe it to ourselves to devote a small or doable amount of time geared towards US as an individual. I think blogging or journaling can be really therapeutic and can help point out the other side of the story if you were hell bent on the destruction of one person and didn't give a wink of thought to how the other side might be seeing things.
I always worry a lot about how people will perceive me. Part of me wants to not even give a shit but the other part is on constant paranoia stand-by. You know how there are people that you're around a lot (say a coworker),and they come walking over and you internalize the groan that is ripping at your throat while you think "UGH. I can't STAND her". So then paranoid me things -okay, what if when my peppy face shows up, and someone does a mental cringe, or it puts a little dent in their already okay day? I'm all for individuality and uniqueness but at the same time respecting others for THEIR perception of individuality (like the lady that was frothing at the mouth while on the phone with some other frothy lady, talking about these $1,500 purses that she HAD to buy [while I thought holy shit lady get a hobby]) is needed and I don't do it often enough. So basically don't judge people is what I'm getting at. IDK.
I started a new job this Monday and I absolutely LURVE it. I truly miss everybody I worked with but the Sleep Lab is such a smaller scale and sooo much healthier both physically and mentally (I work 8am to 430 rather than noon to midnight). Yeah I won't be able to go to school, but Scott's only got 2 semesters left and I might not get half tuition since my dad retired (waaaaaaa)sooo yehls. I'll pop out a night class just for my GPA's sake. RIP.
ANYWAY. I feel like whenever I get on here I just totally whine. But I guess I feel like I can just throw it out into the wondrous web of online data banks and let it sift through the 0's and the 1's and settle. Just to get it off my chest. My mental chest. I just pictured my brain with boobs.
Okay I gotta go to bed. I've been up since 6:30 (which is NUTS for me because I didn't usually surface before 1030 (or 12 or later on my days off). Now I know why my parents were always resting their eyes. Teehee.
Love,
Unconditionally,
syd.
scorchito.
I always worry a lot about how people will perceive me. Part of me wants to not even give a shit but the other part is on constant paranoia stand-by. You know how there are people that you're around a lot (say a coworker),and they come walking over and you internalize the groan that is ripping at your throat while you think "UGH. I can't STAND her". So then paranoid me things -okay, what if when my peppy face shows up, and someone does a mental cringe, or it puts a little dent in their already okay day? I'm all for individuality and uniqueness but at the same time respecting others for THEIR perception of individuality (like the lady that was frothing at the mouth while on the phone with some other frothy lady, talking about these $1,500 purses that she HAD to buy [while I thought holy shit lady get a hobby]) is needed and I don't do it often enough. So basically don't judge people is what I'm getting at. IDK.
I started a new job this Monday and I absolutely LURVE it. I truly miss everybody I worked with but the Sleep Lab is such a smaller scale and sooo much healthier both physically and mentally (I work 8am to 430 rather than noon to midnight). Yeah I won't be able to go to school, but Scott's only got 2 semesters left and I might not get half tuition since my dad retired (waaaaaaa)sooo yehls. I'll pop out a night class just for my GPA's sake. RIP.
ANYWAY. I feel like whenever I get on here I just totally whine. But I guess I feel like I can just throw it out into the wondrous web of online data banks and let it sift through the 0's and the 1's and settle. Just to get it off my chest. My mental chest. I just pictured my brain with boobs.
Okay I gotta go to bed. I've been up since 6:30 (which is NUTS for me because I didn't usually surface before 1030 (or 12 or later on my days off). Now I know why my parents were always resting their eyes. Teehee.
Love,
Unconditionally,
syd.
scorchito.
4/27/10
Hmph.
Not wanting to say much but I'll say some anyway. I had a dream this morning that I was late for a final and couldn't get work off in time to be able to take it. I woke up shaking. How horrible is school? It OWNS you. It BECOMES you. It eats you alive and has it's metal tentacles gripping your brains 24/7 365.
I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.
I had a drunk guy call in tonight who talked to me for 29 minutes and was calling me Syd by the end of the conversation. You could tell that he hadn't talked to someone for a while.
Okay seriously. Time for bed. I think the guy downstairs is awake and that isn't good for anybody.
Loves.
Syd.
I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.
I had a drunk guy call in tonight who talked to me for 29 minutes and was calling me Syd by the end of the conversation. You could tell that he hadn't talked to someone for a while.
Okay seriously. Time for bed. I think the guy downstairs is awake and that isn't good for anybody.
Loves.
Syd.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)