01-11-11

Woaoooohhhh 1-11-11! People act like it's so exciting, and it is! Just like 10-10-10! And 9-9-09! Just IMAGINE 11-11-11!!!! Incredible right?
I have like 11 (haaa, punny)minutes until the tofurkey is done so that means I have like 6 minutes to write this because I'm going to make some deliciously boxed mashed potatoes and laboriously rip the lid off of a can of beans, dump them in a bowl, and shove them in the microwave. So. much. work.
I slept in today. Slept in like I woke up at 7:56 and I have to be to work at 8. The surge of adrenaline that hit my body was way too painful and I'd rather not experience it again. Plus it threw the WHOLE day off. It was just weird. That and there were loud piano players all day. I'll take a picture tomorrow so you can get a feel for the setting, because it's something that I'm sure I'll frequently bitch about, because I frequently EXCESSIVELY bitch about it at work.
I'm going to sign up for a gym tonight (second step to becoming an adult: buy a gym membership at the beginning of the year [first step: order a box of personalized checks].) and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I hate exercising. But I hate being winded after walking up 3 flights of stairs so I should probably shut up. I'm signing up with my sisters Nancy and Julie and I can totally picture us all using ellipticals side by side and looking either completely awesome or completely hilarious. But whatever. I might look funny doing that, but you probably look funny sitting there reading this.
Watch, I'll probably eat way too much tofurkey and mashed potatoes and ralph all over the machines. I'd totally keep going though.
Okay. I have like 2 minutes. I ordered new debit and credit cards today and I personalized them so hopefully they'll accept the pictures, because they're both from the internet (and both EPIC as hell) and therefore not of my own making. But whatever. I can't make epic unicorn pictures and I'm not about to go out into wild Yellowstone and photodocument a bunch of wolves. That's insane.
Pleeeease bless they'll accept them.
Okay crap the timer just went off.

Hugs and loves and cherub nubs.













Syd.

I don't feel any different.

So 2011, huh. Nuts. It feels like a ton of stuff happened last year, aaaand I guess some stuff did happen? We cut our umbilical cords and live in an apartment (disregard the fact that it's next door to my parents), Scott applied for graduation *!!!!!!!*, I got a new job....ummm. I'm sure there is plenty of other stuff that happened, but right now I'm mostly just wanting to throw two bits out there before I go to bed (and normally I'd say "to get up and do what I'll do every single day of the year for the rest of my life" but it's the "new year" and we're supposed to be positive) so I can get up and ROCK my job and not be mean when I hang up the phone having just spoken to a loud breather aaaand yeah. Okay I gotta go. Eyes are blurring. Stomach hurting. Head nodding.
Good night,
and welcome to the rest of your life.

Love,
Syds.

And what the hell happened to summer?

So pretty much it's been two months-ish since my last post and pretty much nothing huge has happened. I got a job in July upstairs in the Sleep Lab and totally love it. I miss everybody I worked with in the ER but as far as my overall well being is doing it's marginally better. I'm still adjusting to the hours (8 to 4:30) and when you don't have kids waking up in the morning isn't the easiest thing to do when you've been used to going to bed at 12 and later for the past 3 or so years. So I'm pretty tired most of the time and that usually plays in to my mood. I'm great throughout the day but when I get home it's like I walk in to this sort of haze and wait until I can go to sleep to do the same thing the next day. I just feel like I've been in this sort of holding pattern for a while, and don't get me wrong, I love getting comfortable and absolutely detest change but I don't really feel like I've made any personal progression for at least a year or so. This is such a weird age for me and I don't really know how to take things anymore. I just turned 24 on August 29th and have been pretty numb to everything. I'm sure that it's just a temporary phase but apathy can only last so long before it starts to eat away your heart and soul. I've been pretty angry lately too and have caught myself multiple times shaming myself for things that I think about people when in reality, EVERYBODY deserves the benefit of the doubt. It's so natural to judge off of first impression but I think that the more advanced society gets the easier it is to take things one step further in our heads and immediately label people based off of what we see and assume. Communication is so much faster now and easier than ever. Face to face conversation still occurs but with texting and emails and crap like this it makes it that much easier to withdraw and rely on our own impressions for judgement and further assumptions. I have absolutely no idea where this is going.
So other than getting a new job, and feeling pretty lost in the scheme of things, my heart is still beating, my mind is still whirring, and my body keeps marching (not necessarily forward), and for now that will have to do.
Until later.

Love
syd.

What the hell happened to spring?

So there's no real excuse as to why I haven't been posting. At all. I'd say "lately" but I haven't posted for a couple months. And it's mostly because I don't want to emotionally invest the time. It's way selfish but my justification is that I have to live THROUGH the moment and pass it on, so why RELIVE it and gut it open anew and do a little play by play? And it's not like I have to post the really emotional stuff, I could just prattle on about how today at work a mama duck almost lost one of her babies. But I really like to reflect at the end of the day, and I rarely say how I REALLY really feel to most people, and it's a mental chore for me to explain things to people or give a play by play to someone who wasn't there. I don't even know if this is making sense, and it probably sounds totally ridiculous but there it is. I don't even write in a journal anymore. I've become so impatient and such a product of my surroundings that I get shoveled in to the stream of things and never leave time for myself. Time for myself doesn't include vegging out after work and reading or playing Harry Potter Lego (which I've already beaten). I think we owe it to ourselves to devote a small or doable amount of time geared towards US as an individual. I think blogging or journaling can be really therapeutic and can help point out the other side of the story if you were hell bent on the destruction of one person and didn't give a wink of thought to how the other side might be seeing things.
I always worry a lot about how people will perceive me. Part of me wants to not even give a shit but the other part is on constant paranoia stand-by. You know how there are people that you're around a lot (say a coworker),and they come walking over and you internalize the groan that is ripping at your throat while you think "UGH. I can't STAND her". So then paranoid me things -okay, what if when my peppy face shows up, and someone does a mental cringe, or it puts a little dent in their already okay day? I'm all for individuality and uniqueness but at the same time respecting others for THEIR perception of individuality (like the lady that was frothing at the mouth while on the phone with some other frothy lady, talking about these $1,500 purses that she HAD to buy [while I thought holy shit lady get a hobby]) is needed and I don't do it often enough. So basically don't judge people is what I'm getting at. IDK.

I started a new job this Monday and I absolutely LURVE it. I truly miss everybody I worked with but the Sleep Lab is such a smaller scale and sooo much healthier both physically and mentally (I work 8am to 430 rather than noon to midnight). Yeah I won't be able to go to school, but Scott's only got 2 semesters left and I might not get half tuition since my dad retired (waaaaaaa)sooo yehls. I'll pop out a night class just for my GPA's sake. RIP.

ANYWAY. I feel like whenever I get on here I just totally whine. But I guess I feel like I can just throw it out into the wondrous web of online data banks and let it sift through the 0's and the 1's and settle. Just to get it off my chest. My mental chest. I just pictured my brain with boobs.
Okay I gotta go to bed. I've been up since 6:30 (which is NUTS for me because I didn't usually surface before 1030 (or 12 or later on my days off). Now I know why my parents were always resting their eyes. Teehee.

Love,
Unconditionally,

syd.
scorchito.

Hmph.

Not wanting to say much but I'll say some anyway. I had a dream this morning that I was late for a final and couldn't get work off in time to be able to take it. I woke up shaking. How horrible is school? It OWNS you. It BECOMES you. It eats you alive and has it's metal tentacles gripping your brains 24/7 365.
I'm so tired I don't even know what I'm saying.
I had a drunk guy call in tonight who talked to me for 29 minutes and was calling me Syd by the end of the conversation. You could tell that he hadn't talked to someone for a while.
Okay seriously. Time for bed. I think the guy downstairs is awake and that isn't good for anybody.

Loves.
Syd.

Oscillating.

So scary to think of how things could be. Wave after wave of nausea sets in when I think of the endless possibilities of how things could have been. I count my blessings every day and thank God for everything I've been given. I've always been lucky, nothing over the top, but not skimming the bottom. Just lucky. Blessed. Oppression helps build us up to become who we were meant to be all along. Stepping stones. Small in the giant picture. It takes multiple pieces to tell a great story.
I can't believe November is already over. It's so scary how fast time goes by. Kids have an unfair advantage. Yeah, ignorance is bliss, but shit man, life was so good when I was a kid. I had the perfect childhood. No worries, nothing to fear, wonderful parents, an array of siblings, great friends. No stress, just play, home made bread, tomato soup and grilled cheese when we'd come inside from the freezing cold. Plowed over by my mum when we played spill the beans one winter. Fall after fall on the gravel at Polk. Sticky with sweat from just being outside.
It's insane how things can change. Reminiscing is almost painful. But then I think about how things are right now and I wouldn't have life any other way. I'd rather have raw emotions and truth right up front than being kept in the dark and hidden from how things really are. Sometimes I wish I had enough love for everybody who thinks they aren't loved. Sometimes I feel like I have enough love for every kid in the world. Sometimes I can barely love myself. But I always have an immense supply of love for Scott. A giant grain silo filled to the top with ridiculous sappy romantic childish innocent real honest love for Scott. So when these emotions build up like crazy, I just pull out some more silos and fill them and store those for a later, more appropriate time. Because we all know how good it feels to throw up a string of expletives and tap in to those stored emotions of full on anger and just empty it out in one blow. Sure it might be a little messy after, but it just ends up blowing away with time anyway. Everything gets blown away in time, so say what you mean, do it now. If you don't, your silos will rot with old emotions and feelings and there will be no room for the new ones. You have to experience the bad to appreciate the wonderful. Raw. Don't hide yourself, it'll just hurt more when you have to face the real thing.
One more week and I never have to attend another physics class for the rest of eternity. Yeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Love always,

El Scorcho.

Mullllllllllll it over

(inhale)
There are so many things in life that I don't understand. So many things that need to be said. So many feelings that are felt but rarely expressed. So much confusion for such a short period of time (in the grand scheme of things). SO MUCH that I want to express but am too selfish to take the time (TIME, of all things) to throw it all out like some kind of sheep or goat, randomly bleating their sorrows or amusement in time with their hearts, constantly one-upping each other. Like the last clapper. Every audience has one. Somebody who wants to prove something. Somebody who wants to let EVERYONE there know, "HEY. I am determined as HELL to be the last clapper. So let the dwindling begin."

So I just went and washed my face and lost all train of thought, even though while I was washing I was spouting out sentences in my head of stuff that I want to put down, but oh well. It'll keep circulating and come back out to the surface in a few months.

I haven't WRITTEN DOWN my thoughts for a while. I don't know if it's because reflecting makes me depressed? Or leaves me with a sense of emptiness? Or sometimes maybe I'm just too embarrassed to put down everything that's floating around in my head. Which is a LOT of stuff.
I was thinking earlier how shitty it is that we have to kind of censor ourselves. And I'm not saying we should all be insanely profane and sound like we have pig shit running out of our mouths but I've come to the realization that no matter WHAT you say, ANYTHING you have to say, you'll offend SOMEONE. Regardless of what you say, I could say that I hate marigolds and I think they should be exterminated and never grown again and some lady over in Iran might make her living off of selling marigold wreaths (heaven forbid), and be WAY upset with that. I'm not saying that we should have a direct microphone hooked up to our thoughts but shit man, it's in our head, and we think it and if we think it more than once and dwell on it then we usually MEAN it, so why not say it?
AGAIN. I'm not saying you need to full out say every single nasty awful horrible degrading ignorant racist judgmental thought that you have. I just think that it's unfortunate that I can't publicly say how much I hate my job without having to look over my shoulder and make sure that certain people don't see it. BUT IT'S TRUE. My job is like wind-surfing over a black hole, or like laying on your stomach with your blood rushing thru your ears right at the threshold of hell. I feel completely useless sometimes, and unappreciated. I know, I know, you're probably barking out that every job has it's ups and downs, but for right now, I'D like to vent things that have been festering and molding around my heart for the last two years. It's a total double edged sword. I absolutely love the people I work with (again, like most jobs. I know this) but I don't know if it's just the environment or the people taking advantage of the health care system (our customers) or just the fact that it's an ER. And I'm sure if some people read this they'd say "Well just deal with it because that's how ER's are all over the country", I'd say "Please shut the hell up", because I don't have these thoughts and these feelings to be told that I'm just like everyone else. I don't cry my eyes out while I'm driving home to be told that everybody else goes through it like I do. EVERYBODY experiences Life on an INDIVIDUAL level. Sure we're all going through it, but we have absolutely NO IDEA what on earth is going thru each individual's convoluted thoughts at any given time. We'll never know, because it's physically impossible to write down every single thought you have (which is like 10 thoughts per 1/10th of a second or some ridiculous statistic that I would love to know how they figured out). And this isn't all just about my job. It's about EVERYTHING. I KNOW everybody experiences life. I know everybody goes through shit. We mostly voice our problems because we want consolation, and have this internal need to be reassured that it's O.K., and that they know what we're talking about. Some people deal with more shit than others, and voice their problems more than others, and then we immediately label that person as a complainer, or a whiner. Problems are much easier to voice than just regular old thoughts. We go to therapy to be reassured and get an outside opinion and an outside hand to help us back up and square our shoulders for us so we can face life. There are some things that you can't just tell people to deal with. You can't just roll your eyes at someone when they say "Oh we just got like 5 different medical bills in the mail and my car broke down and my kid just dropped out of school" because you have NO IDEA what they are going through, because again, we're experiencing it at an individual level. We'll never know what other people's lives are like, because we're too busy living ours. And I'm not saying we need to just throw down our shields and rush out to help people, because we'll be plowed over in the process. I'm not even sure what the hell I'm trying to say, or if I'm trying to prove some sort of point. I just think that we need to constantly remind ourselves that everybody is different. Everybody has their own past. Everybody lived yesterday just like you did, only maybe their dog died (RIP Norm), or maybe their aunt just had a double mastectomy, or maybe their best friend is going through a divorce and just lost their house. Hopefully not everything happens to ONE person all at once (although it seems like that happens more often than not).

I just want to give everybody a chance to have a voice. THEIR voice. I don't know if I'm crying because I believe in it so much or if I'm just tired as hell and have to get up in 5 hours. Maybe it's the caffeine. IDK. I guess I just want everyone I come in contact with to not hold back or not say something in fear of me rolling my eyes or just rushing them on their way. You never know what someone's breaking point could be. They might need to just get one thing off their chest, or have one completely, ABSOLUTELY pointless conversation to make their life a little better (like the kids behind me in physics today talking about who the hell knows what and making me so angry that my fists were clenched because I couldn't hear the teacher [my fault for sitting near the back I guess]).
A lot of this has to do with Time too. I don't know WHAT the deal is, but I swear it conspires against us. It knows when we're having a good time, and slips by illegally and is jealous because it can't have a good time (ha, pun), and then when we're studying every day like a good student 3 hours turns in to 8, or a 12 hour shift turns in to 17. And then when I sit down to read, or write, it's all the sudden 135 in the morning and daylight has never come quicker.

Okay well this is extremely long winded and I'm sorry if anybody disagrees with this. But please, seriously, don't judge, and give people time to show themselves, and build relationships (however pointless they may be), because to that ONE person, you could be the reason they enjoy their job, or that one thing that you say that you've been itching to but it isn't really appropriate might offend 5 people, but could make 1 persons day. Those 5 people will get over it. Time does a good job at making us forget why we were mad, or what someone said to offend us.

Now just get over yourself and tell everyone else to shut the hell up and say whatever the shit you want to say.

Love,

(exhale)
El Scorcho.